chaos

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

to the love of my life,

As I lay in bed until the sun comes up, I realize that maybe I’ve been going about this all wrong. Yeah, we’re all human but people are only as good as their word. And maybe it’s just my hearts a little different but what I know for sure is after having loved you I could never turn my back on it all. So maybe that’s what it’s all about, finding that person who’s heart feels the same way as yours.

chaxos

I want to mess up my sheets with you.

chaxos

to the love of my life,

I was driving the other day and as this song came on I was curious to know if maybe you were listening too. 

I was wondering what you were doing in that exact moment. If you were thousands of miles away walking on the beach or maybe down the street. If you have any tattoos and what your favorite flower is. And are you wondering the same? I’m pretty sure we’ve never met but I just want you to know how bravely beautiful you are. That when you smile at me I have no sense of time. It’s strange that this love I feel for you is the most rational yet irrational feeling I’ll ever know. 

I hope you love yourself as much as I love you. But I somehow doubt that possibility. I sometimes feel as though my hearts a little different from everyone else. And I don’t know why that is but I know that you will understand with perfect clarity exactly who I am. 

I apologize in advance for my anxious ways and sometimes stubborn personality. But I know you will compliment me and accept my flaws as I have fallen in love with yours.

I love how much you love me. In spite of the fact that I binge watch too many episodes of Friends and One Tree Hill. And I always check to make sure that my food isn’t under cooked. Thank you for always reassuring me in my times of panic as I look up symptoms on the internet. For never once calling me crazy and always understanding even when you don’t. I love how you have opened your heart to me. Because in the hardest times your character has shown through. And I too see with perfect clarity exactly what you are. 

I love going to brunch with you on weekends. Thank you for the uplifting emails that I open at work and go to sleep thinking about. I’m so happy that you want to travel the world with me. I know we have already seen so much yet there will always be something more to see. The days often pass too fast while we spend too much time doing nothing together. And then also doing everything. I didn’t think anyone’s heart could work the same as mine. But then I saw you look at me that day and I knew. People are all the same, but you and I - we’re not like them. Until next time, I love you.

chaxos

Somebody misses you when you’re away, they wanna wake up with you everyday.

chaxos

to the love of my life,

As I pack my belongings into these cardboard boxes, I can’t help but feel excited for my future. Knowing that soon enough we’ll be packing our things into cardboard boxes together. And that I’m so much closer to everything I want and that much closer to sharing it with you.

Summer months always make my mind wander. As I cant stop picturing us walking on the beach late at night or even in the morning. Or screaming as our bodies touch the freezing water. And I know that after you convince me to submerge my head underwater, I’ll be holding you with your legs wrapped around my waist, looking up at the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. God I love you.

chaxos

inspired. late night anxiety.

chaxos

to the love of my life,

I can’t imagine seeing the rest of this world would be nearly as beautiful without you next to me. and I don’t know what path you’re taking or if our paths are syncing together at this point in time. if you’re drifting further away or coming closer to that point where our paths collide together. but I hope you know what I feel with you is incomparable. in the deepest moments of nostalgia and infatuation and various forms of love, it cannot measure up to this. past lovers could not and will never understand the connection I share with you as it takes another form and rises above what feels like reality. what’s between me and you is something so indescribable. almost like I know what you’re thinking when you don’t know you’re thinking, and vice versa. the look on your face as you are reading my messages as well as your clear intentions with every word you so carefully choose.

I do not believe every path is the right path. And I believe our destiny will find us as we cannot escape it. Meaning, you cannot choose your path, it has already been decided. Maybe the physical and emotional “journey” itself varies but I take comfort in knowing that what is meant for me will never miss me and what misses me was never meant for me.

You are everything I could’ve asked for. You are everything I didn’t even know I was missing. Strangely I could never picture this connection making sense with anyone else on earth. And maybe it’s just unique or maybe it’s everything it’s supposed to be. Maybe this is what it feels like. I think that life is about who and when and not necessarily one or the other. The perfect time with a damaged soul or the perfect soul at the wrong time, neither can withstand the journey. But maybe these paths can cross again at the perfect time as two perfect souls. I mean, they have to. If that is in fact our destiny, there is no question in my mind. They will.

—————

* driving up route 1 to San Francisco *

I turn to watch you as you attempt to capture these perfect moments on video. As you become frazzled having very minimal experience using the GoPro, you turn to me with the most adorable face I had ever seen. As if your inability to find the right button somehow makes you less of a perfect princess. And not the self righteous, lazy kind of princess. But the elegant and graceful kind of princess. The kind that radiates beauty from one city to the next. Not just in who you are but who I am when I’m with you. And how we bring out the absolute best of each other. Until next time, I love you.

Being LGBT is ridiculously over sexualized in the media and in general. And more than that, it’s always portrayed as constantly battling tragedy and heartache and adversity. While it is so important to recognize the challenges underprivileged communities face, not every gay love story is tragic or heartbreaking.‬ And this creates this “poor them” mentality. When really it shouldn’t be poor them or “good for them”. LGBT people aren’t hopeless or less than. They don’t need pity and they don’t want to hear you say something ignorant about how brave you feel they are or how you “don’t care because what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom” oh rly? Thank you & no kidding. And what’s your fascination with bedroom activities. Do you say that when you meet a new straight person/couple? No because that wouldn’t be normal. How can things become equal when we aren’t reacting in a way that verbalizes normalcy and equality?

You may say these things with good intentions, but intentions don’t equate to the impact you have on a person. And I’m the first to admit I never take life too seriously. I don’t take what anyone says too seriously. But these are conversations that need to be had and understood in order to feel equal. Do you know of any heterosexual who has ever had to “come out of the closet” like some insane dateline episode? No. When people no longer have to come out of closets, we can begin to reach normalcy.

chaxos

we lose ourselves in the things we love, we find ourselves there too.

chaxos

to the love of my life,

your soft lips touched mine and everything became hard. as I picture spending New Years Eve together and remembering while the ball drops that our life is defined by the moments that turn our stomachs inside out and the relationships that make life worth living. if you find someone you’re in love with who also happens to be your best friend, wouldn’t that be the greatest benefit? who else will come along with me to see all the cities I have yet to see or try every brunch spot and every latte throughout the city. or take home with me on holidays and listen as my dad and younger sister argue about their political views. thank you for understanding how much my mom means to me. that she is my very best friend and knowing me means knowing her too. my family is my world and I can only hope you’ve grown to love them half as much as I do.

thank you for reassuring me in times of sadness. and for listening to me when I least deserve it. I will sometimes feel jealous for absolutely no reason. know it is only because I love you. you’re the one I go to sleep thinking about and wake up wanting next to me. 

I love our halloween costumes that are equally cliche and adorable. thank you for letting me look up costume ideas on pinterest even though you hate it. same goes for my corny instragram pictures with captions I spent over an hour thinking about. 

everything with you is a dream come true -

till next time, I love you

this.

“I don’t get why you’re so upset?.. You wanted to be non-exclusive, I’m just doing what you wanted.”

“What I wanted? I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there is no one else and that you could ever be with and that you would rather be alone than without me.”

“How was I supposed to know that?”

“You just are.”